Wednesday, April 30, 2008

So I drive home alone

As I turn off the lights

I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.

dreamt at 6:52 AM

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

What hurts the most,
Was being so close
Having so much to say,
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been,
And not seeing that loving you
Was what I was trying to do.

Rascal Flatts-"What hurts the most".

After much thinking, ~~and crying on my part~~, I have decided to forget you.

It's hard for me to not think of you wherever I go-

When I hear those Malay boys screaming in fun as they play soccer at the void deck in the middle of the night-

When I run into one of our old school friends and I'm alone-

Whenever I drink Coke-

When I see a red jacket

When I see someone smoking-

I'm reminded of you.

I lost a part of me yesternight.
I've been holding onto you for almost five years now.

There is a part of me that is unsure if all I actually want to do is forget you, or forget how I felt about you.

...I just dread the day I wake up and am unable to remember how you looked like, so I will write it down to the best of my abilities-

Your windswept brown hair
Your red jacket with a hoodie
The day you sprayed Coke on me
The day that I almost broke down crying when my father caned you for smoking
The way your eyes seemed to tell a whole different story
The way you talked
Your husky, boyish voice,
The way you said my name

The way you looked like on the day you told me you loved me.

I love you, and always will,

and when I close my eyes, it's only you that I ever see.

That.

Will never change.

dreamt at 5:37 AM

Sunday, April 27, 2008

How about a round of applause?
Standing ovation?

TAKE A BOW by RIHANNA.

Surprisingly like that song.

Going out with Sakinah and Raj today (Nat REFUSED to have her social life) to the Esplanade library and Spotlight and Funan and maybe a costume shop. YAY.

It's almost 9 and I havent bathed yet.

They're going to kill me if I'm not there by 10.

HAVE FUN guys.

Short posts

Reflect

How short I am.

dreamt at 5:39 PM

Thursday, April 24, 2008

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO

HIGH now.

Just finished the HMT paper, it was fairly easy. tadadada.
So here's the verdict on my take on the exams:

English: Easy
Social Studies: Easy/Moderate
Chemistry: Moderate/Hard (I could tell it was supposed to easy, but uhhh......)
A Math: Easy/Moderate
Literature: Easy/Moderate
Bio: Moderate/Hard
E Math: Hard/Difficult (IT LOOKED EASY. Grr. I didn't have enough time.)
Higher MT: Easy/Moderate

Only one paper left....

DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let us study for the final paper with much vigour in our hearts.

I actually FEEL like a normal person. It's not as bad as I thought.
DON'T THINK!

Random.

spasssssicateeddddd

TOOSH TOOSH CABOOSH! Went the CHOO CHOO train....

Hi Miss Alice
In your glass eye, what sort of dream,
Are you seeing?
Once again, my heart has burst, and is pouring out,
"Repair it," Call the memories trapped in the crevice
Still, you do not answer

Still, you do not answer...

-'Still Doll'- Vampire Knight

dreamt at 8:25 PM

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Deepika, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was too harsh and I'm sorry for making you cry.

I'm sorry for being a bitch and calling you one.

I'm sorry for everything else.

But I'm not sorry for what I said on behalf of your group.

I don't hate you.

I'm just really sorry you can't see yourself clearly.

Please think about it. For your group's sake.

Thank you for apologising. Appreciate it.

dreamt at 2:51 AM

Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm studying as much as I can, more than I've ever done my whole life, and yet it feels insufficient.

I woke up on Friday thinking it was Monday, and went, "CHEMISTRY!!!" and took out my textbook and rifled through it in a panic, when I checked my phone for the time and it flashed, "FRIDAY".

...

I'm stoned now.

Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'cause you were lovin' me
Just for the night, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see

Rascal Flatts: Help Me Remember

And I would'nt change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many timesI was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd findI know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

Rascal Flatts: Here

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone

Rascal Flatts: My Worst fear

Hey babe, I miss you. Good luck for your mid-years, wherever you are. Love you.

dreamt at 4:26 AM

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

We had P.E today.

It was...almost as embarrasing as the bus incident.

Won't describe it in detail, but the gist of it was that I did a forward matrix onto the mat while trying to jump off the springboard and did an excellent imitation of Gerard stagediving off into the audience.

To spare my already belittled ego, I shall do a quiz I found on Friendster.

1. Music playing at the moment? What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts. New fav of mine.

2. One reason for living? Finding new reasons to live.

3. Is anything bothering you at themoment? The mid-years, a little. (Surprise, surprise.)

4. Do you believe in the love atfirst sight? YES.

5. What flowers do you like? Any cool looking flower that smells awesome.

6.Accessories you usually wear? Earrings and watches and belts and hats.

7. One song to describe a heartbreakin the past? Unbreak my heart.

8. Are you a forgiving person? I think.

9. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?A book.

10. Last person to touch your butt? I can't remember. I've been molested too many times.

11. Piercings or tattoo? Piercings on my ears.

12. The most romantic gift? A spray of sugar water from a Nike water bottle.

13. Do you like someone right this second? Yes.

14. Struck by lightning before? I think I have, 'coz my brain cells are denatured...

15. Danced with your loved onebefore? No. Never.

16. Ever wished you could turn backtime? Every single second of my life.

17. Do you plan on moving out within the next year? No.

18. The last text you received on yourcell was from? Sakinah.

19. If you could have anything inthe world what would it be? ...Him.

20. What does your 14th text messagein your inbox say? "No."

21. Ever thought of robbing a bank? It's on my to-do list.

22. One thing you totally regret? Not replying to his declaration.

23. Have you ever thought one ofyour teachers did drugs? HAHA Mrs. Crothers.

24. What was the last music youplayed on the computer? What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts.

25. Someone who means a lot to youat the moment? Him.

26. Hows your ex doing? ???

27. Do you hate somone at themoment? Myself. A little. ~~But not in a Natalie kinda way~~

28. Songs that cheer you up? Taylor Swift and MCR.

29. Last song you sang? What hurts the most by rascal flatts. (This is the third time I'm typing this title down- I need some variety)

30. Worst thing that ever happened toyou? I'm not sure.

31. Do you have any interestingbruises or scars? Too many to remember.

32. What do you wish to happen now? To find him.

33. Do you sing in the shower? Everytime.

34. What did you do today morning? Attended school. ~~And embarassed myself~~

35. When did you first start noticingthe opposite sex? P5.

36. What is the connection betweenyou and the last person that textedyou? We're freaking awesome friends.

37. What describes your last kiss? I'm a LIP-VIRGIN!!!!!

dreamt at 3:17 AM

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Trippin' is hungry.

I've been feeling rather out of my league this past few days, and I didn't even know that a whole week had flown by till I eavesdropped on a convo between Rehana and Tiky.

Tiky: "What's the day today?"

Rehana: "It's Monday."

The first thought I had when she said that was, 'Monday. And tomorrow I'm going to wake up at ten to go to the library and...'

Wait. Monday?

At which I corrected Rehana and told her it was Friday instead, and we both went.... 'Already?'

How strange is it, that on some days I can look at the clock and wish it would tick by faster ~~for example, during Chem,~~ and other days I wish the clock would buy me some more time.

Teenage years are like that, I suppose. It's an era where everything seems to be going fast and slow at the same time, and yet every moment is etched in your mind just waiting to be glossed over/regretted/poked fun of/laughed at/cried at when we grow and mature later on.

But that's also where a strange beauty lies. Being a teen, there are some feelings and experiences that can be extinguished/forgotten quickly overnight and some which aren't. Our minds and bodies are fickle trying to shape a personality which just screams 'THIS IS WHO MAKES ME WHO I AM."

And when we don't really know who we are, that's where all the angst/confusion/stereotyping/anger/sadness comes in.

That's mainly one of the reasons why I'm trying to take life one step at a time, where a moment is just a moment, and all I have to do is sit back and relax and enjoy it.
All teens have their moments. It's just how they deal with them that makes them who they are.

Being a teen comes only once in a lifetime. No matter how much we hate/love that one guy/girl, these things have a very high percentage of changing when we grow up.
Our minds are extremely fickle at this age, and most of our decisions are made on impulse.
That's why I don't take anything too seriously right now. I guess that's what gives me that very she-doesn't-give-a-hoot easygoing kind of aura.

I envision my life as a book, with vague scribbles on the page which I have not yet come to read.
But what I do know is that I want those scribbles to be filled with something somewhat more justifyable and satisfying when I read it back again.
And sometimes, the only way to do that is to skip a couple of pages, read back a few a few of those, and then start to fill in the blank spaces.

So that, 35 years later, my tired, worn-out 50 year old body would have nothing but good memories to think of in my old-fashioned rocking chair.

dreamt at 1:16 AM