Words Of Mass Destruction

suicide.

2009-09-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Even if you say
It'll be alright
Still you'll hear me say
I want to end my life

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days

The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait to go home
To pass the time in my room alone.

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months and I'll be unknown

2009-04-20T04:34:00.001-07:00

I've recently been reading someone's blog.

My boyfriend's ex, to be precise.

But thats beside the point.

I don't know how anyone's life could be that simple.

So straightforward...open... direct. How does anyone do that?

I dont know what i'm thinking right now. Huge bitchfucker headache since ystd. It wont bloody go away.

Hazwan, I miss you.

2008-12-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

It's not true. I'm not in love, and never will be again. This I have accepted.

And this is the reason why I can never be close to my parents. I don't want them to know anything about me. I'm fine with that. I don't care if they don't support what I love or if they're ever there for me. I'll tolerate them as long as they provide me with shelter, food and money. We will merely remain as house-mates until I move out.

They hate me. I'm the black sheep of the family. I get it.

I can't say I hate them. But I don't love them either. Maybe once upon a time, but that was a time I couldn't remember, for the rest of my days were only filled with one person.

The only person who I have loved, regardless of whether he loved me or not.

Hazwan.

And I would settle for no less.

2008-12-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

"It's unbelievable to see how love could set me free." -Superhuman.

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of sorts, but a good one nevertheless, seeing how the end result turned out.

Life isn't the same, but I suppose that could be a good thing.

Hey Khairul, love you too.

2008-11-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

I wanna get a haircut like Agyness Deyn's. I want to look so completely awesome and original next year but my mom doesn't want me to cut off my curls. I get what she means. If I were a mother I wouldn't want to snip off my daughter's locks as well.

I'm currently listening to Pussycat Dolls' I Hate This Part. It's a nice song.

Yesterday, I went out with a Rihanna inspired look.

My spaghetti strap was white and silver instead of brown, and my bra and short shorts were black instead of white, but it looked good. I also tried really dramatic makeup- we're talking lots of shimmer for the eyes- in blue and silver LOTS AND LOTS OF EYELINER and I dug up an old lipgloss/colour in nude pink and it looked really good. I shall take a pic and put it up for you guys to see.

I like the way Rihanna lines the eyes- from corner to corner- and when I tried it, it looked good coz my eyes are big and long, so it suits the lining without looking like some out of place minah.

And I have never really appreciated my natural tan skin colour before yesterday.

That's why, besides Agyness Deyn's haircut, I have decided that Rihanna is my ultimate fashion icon, mostly because I know I can pull off any look that she can, seeing that certain of our physicalities are similar.

THIS IS THE HAIRCUT THAT I WANNA GET.

I WANT I WANT I WANT

I look beyond awesome in that haircut. I know because my hairstylist had me wear a wig like that. And I couldn't recognize myself at all.

Yeah, something like that.

I'll try to persuade my mom again.

TA!

2008-11-09T23:59:00.001-08:00

Feeling so safe when I'm with you, wanting to feel your arms around me.
Seeing your really long eyelashes flutter when you look at me, your chocolate brown eyes kindles a warmth that I thought I could never feel.
Everything's deifferent, but it's fresh coz it's new.

And I like it.

Please don't ignore me.

I've already given you the rest of my heart without actually intending to.

You must've stolen it.

Weak
I've been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I could barely speak
Barely eat
On my knees
But that's the moment you came to me
Don't know what your love has done to me

2008-11-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Superhuman by Chris Brown and Keri Hilson.
There's a fine, fine, line by Avenue Q the musical.

2008-11-04T23:08:00.000-08:00

This.
Is.
For.
All.
The.
Fucking.
Teachers.
That.
I.
Have.
Ever.
Known.

Parent-teacher conference in half an hour or so. If any fucking teachers DARES to say SHIT about me and my parents give me HELL for it, I will MAKE sure they regret it.

They WILL regret.

I'm packing knives just in case.

FUCK ALL TEACHERS.

I don't care how old you are or how many children you have. Hitler didn't and he's fucking famous. I'll cut the chase and get there faster than him, trust me.

YOU DARE FUCKING OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND I WILL MAKE SURE I WILL SEAL IT PERMANENTLY. (Like I did with ****)

And a note for next year: I don't wanna any of you fucking teachers to poke your noses into my private life. I don't need you to fucking care about me, fuckers.

Go lick some c**** instead of trying to feed us bullshit.

BYE FUCKERS.

So SWEET

2008-11-04T01:02:00.000-08:00

So yesterday. I went to school with Khairul. :)

He's so sweet luh I'm gonna get diabetes soon...
Anyway wants to spare me a kidney or two just in case?

So I tried my best to wriggle out of my mom's grip so I could go for ONE BUS TRIP WITH KHAIRUL. Nvm...there's still tuition... Now all I have to do is TRY to get my mom to let me ride the bus for the next few days...

Aww my mom just told me that I can't ride the bus tmr. Sorry Khai. :(

I <3 Khairul.

Haz, I still love you.
But you're not here.
And I need a life.

But Khairul is really, really sweet. And I'm growing for him as each day passes.

I can't say much anymore... But Me <3 Khairul! Hehe Khai Khai.

<3, Nisa.

Sweet

2008-11-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

There's no word to describe my life right now other than 'sweet'.

I do so hope things will work out.

Please.

You are fine
You are sweet
But I'm still a bit naivve with my heart.

Too bored. Too bored.

2008-10-20T03:24:00.000-07:00

Currently hating life, a lot.

No, HATE would be too strong a word.

BORED would be a much better substitute, but that's putting it mildly.

I suppose the word we're looking for here is SICK.

Yes, I am SICK of life.

I'm so sick of its' predictabitility, its' apparent lack of anything interesting. Everything is the same. And considering I spend 98% of my time in school, I suppose that's the main reason behind my boredom.

I am so SICK of everything, I'd commit suicide for fun. I swear.

Ever heard of the phrase 'Dying of boredom?'

It's apparently true.

God I hate life.

I need to spice it up.

I may be piercing my eyebrow tomorrow, that is, if I can fork out 40 bucks in time.

And if I can hide it from my parents.

Won't be easy, but GODDAMMIT I am so fucking bored.

I want to die I want to die I want to die

I've been feeling really fucked up these couple of days, and I know why.

Even if I say

It's gonna be alright

Still I hear you say

You want to end your life

Now and again we try

To just stay alive

Maybe we'll turn it around

Coz it's not too late,

It's never too late.

I am gonna write a song about this, hopefully it'll make me feel better.

I doubt there's anything that could surprise me anymore.

Fuck I need something. But I don't know what.

I can't even feel anymore.

Please let me die. That's about the only thing I haven't done yet.

Hey Fuck, whats up?

2008-10-15T03:31:00.000-07:00

Well.

I am planning on growing my hair really long and curly, all the way to my waist, coz I look gorgeous with long hair.

What possessed me to chop it off?

And I learnt the Pussycat Doll When I grow up dance, Spikey Lee's version.

YAY.

I am also planning on taking a sewing and dance class.

Hmm. Woohoo.

Perhaps ice skating as well.

Oh shit I'm also getting braces.

Double gah.

separators next two weeks.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK

-

2008-08-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

I see you staring at me
Ooh I'm a trendsetter
Yes this is true coz what I do
No one can do it better
You can talk about me
Coz I'm a hot topic
I see you watching me, watching me
And I know you want it

I wanna be a Pussycat Doll.

HAHAHAHHAHHA

You know, there are days when I feel like a worthless being, but today is NOT THAT DAY.
This month is NOT THE MONTH FOR LOW SELF ESTEEM.

I will, I will, and I will.

Mantra.

Nothing can bother me anymore.

Me as the next Nicole, anyone?

Fasting month starting next week!

Shit. If I lose weight my uncle has to get me clothes from the kiddy store AGAIN.
How degrading.

Goals to be achieved by end of this month:

-Get rich
-Grow taller
-Buy awesome clothes

Hmm. I may scrape the last one out. I don't know what sort of clothes to get.
But that Tangs voucher is so tempting...

I need to collect enough money for me to and escape to Paris/UK/Australia by the time I'm 20.
My mom has given me the green light.

"You can go anywhere after you get your driving license."

Driving license? What driving license?

You mean my motorcycle license.

I have a goal.

YAY!

"When you go to Australia, don't come home until you snag an angmoh guy."

Yep. Words straight from the horse's mouth.

I'm gonna be so fucking gorgeous next year.

Just you wait.

2008-07-29T03:16:00.000-07:00

AAAh come online already

come on come on
what time do u come back from school huh?

PLEASE COME ONLINE

i spent the whole day agonising

my friends will back me up on this

SO MANY GIRLS BE CHECKING MY STYLE

But i dont even care, no

i digress

AAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-07-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

IT'S SO HORRIBLY BORING

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

miaow miaow miaow miaow
a pocket full of pie.

I'm SO BORED

takakakakakakakakka

2008-07-22T03:24:00.000-07:00

I owe my thanks to you.

My whole world to you.

I owe this performance to you.

You made me feel raw from the inside out.

Made me go numb.

I couldn't feel, didn't want to feel. It was all boiling underneath the surface.

The ghost of a memory waiting to be opened.

It was an excellent performance, and i wish you were here for me to cuddle into you crying how they used my feelings for you.

And you would just hug me and keep quiet while I cry my eyes out.

But you aren't here.

And the silence feels like something else entirely.

I loved you
I have loved you all along

How could I ever tell them about this?
So I just went to the lighting room where I struggled to tell Sakinah what happened, but all that came out were two traitor tears.

Stop breathing
If I don't see you anymore.

2008-07-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

Today is a quiet day.

You can feel it.

It's a very quiet day.

The silence almost stifles you as you walk around.

It's comforting, like a lullaby hummed to no one in particular.

It's warm, like the way the sun feels on your face after you come out of a very cold room.

It's nice, like the way the wind feels when it blows through the cemetery.

But most of all, it's quiet.

And me being Hanis, I am not used to silence.

There is something stuck in my throat that struggles to get out but it won't.

The quiet. I like the quiet, so why do I feel the need to pierce through it?

This is so annoying. Why do I feel the need to confuse myself?

MIAOW.

2008-07-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

new blog. comment please.

www.doubledeckaddict.blogspot.com

thx.

I feel weirdish.

2008-07-10T03:40:00.000-07:00

everytime i try to fly, i fall, without my wings, i feel so small.

I feel like I can do better than this, at eveything and anything I'm doing, but somehow, it feels like there's a chain that holds me back even when I think I'm ready to soar, like a bird on a stand.

After a while you sort of give up, even when the chain has been removed.

That's why birds don't really fly off even though they're no longer attached to their stand.

I guess i need you baby.

but the worst part is when you won't cut off your own chain even when u could.

I need my chain. I don't know who i am without it.

2008-06-16T18:29:00.001-07:00

HAHA. a quiz from Nat's blog. Her results cracked me up so much I decided to take it.

1. How am I feeling today?

When I'm Gone by Simple Plan. "Procrastination running circles in my head." Yep. I'm gonna end up not doing the Holiday homework again.

2. Will I get far in life?
Just Lose It by Eminem. Heh..? Uhm, well, it's a crazy song, so I'm guessing I'll end up in some Mental Institution. Hmm. Hell yeah, I'll get far in life..

3. How do my friends see me?
I don't need a man by pussycatdolls. Say WHAT.

4. Who will I marry?
Dirty Little Secret by All-American Rejects.

5. What is my best friend's theme song?

Better Than Me by Hinder. Of course I'm better than her. "I really miss your hair in my face... And I think you should know this, you deserve much better than meee."

6. What is the story of my life?

Love Me Or Hate Me by Lady Sovereign. Awesome choice.

7. What is highschool like?
Cleanin' Out My Closet by Eminem. Pretty much, I guess. But it's not that horrible, really...

8. How can I get ahead in life?

Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance. Uhh. By going through major heartbreak and a possible murder/suicide?

9. What is the best thing about me?

I Got Nerve by Hannah Montana. ALl RIGHT! my playlist ROCKS, dammit. "I know where i stand, I know who I am." Yeah, baby.

10. How is today going to be?

All Good Things Come To An End by Nelly Furtado. Oh Nooooo...

11. What is in store for this weekend?

Minah by Hafiz A'sari. "To all the younger sista, please don't follow your other sista- they want to look older, so they make their breasts look a little bigger. Yeah her age is just fif-teen, and her chest? Yeah, it's still developing. They make it size make it size times 2, she stuff her bra with tissue." I'm gonna stuff my bra with tissue?

12. What song describes my parents?

Gimme That by Chris brown. HAHA I can totally envision my dad saying 'gimme that' to me.

13. To describe my grandparents?

Misery Business by Paramore. Woah, my grandma must have battling some bitch to get my grandpa man...

14. How is my life going?

Best Of Both Worlds by Hannah Montana. I don't know what's the 'other world' in my case, but I'll take it.

15. What song will they play at my funeral?

Ooh, interesting. It's... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BY CLICK FIVE???????!!!!??? Say whaaaTTTT. Gee thanks. I mean so much to people they want to celebrate during my funeral. "I know it's kinda late, but Happy Birthday." ah, I see. They forgot it was my birthday, but I died before they could give me my present.

see lah. I died before you could give me my present you know. How sad. ~~Not that you would be right.~~

16. How does the world see me?

Helena by My Chemical Romance? Shucks man. They see me as some dead girl in an emo dress trying to dance ballet and failing miserably. Eh, not bad ah.

17. Will I have a happy life?

Teenagers by My Chemcical Romance. "Because the drugs never work." Not a happy life, a HIGH life.

18. Will I have children?

Green Finch And Linnet Bird, soundtrack in Sweeney Todd. "Finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, how is it you sing?" *coughs* I don't know what to make out of that one. I'll leave it your imagination.

19. What was my childhood like?

Sleep by My Chemical Romance. Yeah, I remember sleeping a lot.

20. What is some good advice for me?
Drowning Lessons by My Chemical Romance. can I have better advice than dying and murdering people, please? I don't how that can help other than place me in jail.

21. How will I be remembered?
Stop And Stare by OneRepublic. By stopping and staring? Cool. I'm a traffic stopppaaa.

22. What is my signature dancing song?
If it's not Micheal Jackson I'm gonna smash my phone.

1985 by Bowling for Soup. Well. That's ok.

23. What is my current theme song?
River flows In You by Yiruma. It's piano piece about first love. Oh gosh, how awesome. I was listening to this on repeat yesterday, AND learning it on the piano, other than Haydn's Eb major. There's no other song that can fit me perfectly right now.

24. What does everyone else think my theme is?

Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance. "If I'm so wrong, how can you listen all night long?" ehh. I'm confused.

25. What song describes my mood right now?
Let The Flames Begin by Paramore. Marvellously chosen. I love my phone. "Somewhere weakness is our strength, and I'll die searching for it, I won't let myself regret such selfishness."
It's a hopeful song. And I'm feeling hopeful.

26. What song do I listen to when Im depressed?
Milk Shake by Kelis. you know what? I'm taking the earlier words about my phone back.

27. -Happy?

Apologise by Timbaland feat OneRepublic... Enough said.

28. -Scared?
Tongue Tied by Faber Drive. YAY! Finally, a decent song. "I need a little more luck than a little bit, coz everytime I get stuck the words don't fit, and everytime that i try I get tongue tied, I need a little more love to get me by this time." Great song, I tell you.

29. -Bored?

This is an easy one coz I listen to music when I'm bored. Let's see..Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. Yep. A definite boring choice. "A hundred days have made me older.." And boring-er.

30. What type of girls/guys do I go for?

Give It To Me by Timbaland, Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake. I'm not even going to try to decipher what it means.

31. What type goes for me?
Right now, I'm wishing there's a song called "All Kinds."

A Little Priest- soundtrack in Sweeney Todd. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are talking about different people to make into meat pies. Uhh. I guess the deranged ones go for me. And loves people meat pies.

32. What should I be doing right now?
In reality, Math. But let's see what my playlist says...

Pretty Fly For a White Guy by The Offspring.
I'm supposed to go making a white guy pretty fly.
Ah, so THAT'S what I was supposed to do today...

33. What is in store for the future?

Come Clean by Hilary Duff. "Let's go back, back to the beginning." Dunno lah. My future would be the same as my past. Oh good.

34. How was your past?
Over by Lindsay Lohan. Yep, noone could have said it better. It IS over. That's why it's called the past.

AND THAT'S IT. Amusing.

And Kris, shall put up pics soon, kay.

2008-06-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

I had a very fulfilling weekend. On Saturday, me and my Aisyah Isabelle (I have to keep saying this coz people tend to think it's Aisyah Yusoff from Drama) went to the airport to study study study.

We arrived there at about 8.45 am, and settled down at McDonalds to have our breakfast first. And while we were eating, our conversations started out light and enjoyable, but a few minutes later it turned deep and serious.

We started talking about everything under the sun- politics, where we talked about the US controlling the price of oil, and how the '40 years of oil left' fact is not true, religion, where we discussed the big bang, and how we wished that we could live in more simpler times, a time where the media couldn't have corrupted us with the media and internet. We also discussed superstition and told each other stories catering to the subject.

Aisyah talked about her grandmother (allahyarhamha), mostly, who had recently passed away, and how simple a life she led and yet was able to go in such a happy and peaceful manner.

I mainly listened, for the most part. Which was a surprise for me.

I was so intrigued and interested in our conversation that it felt like I could only hear Aisyah's voice and nothing more, and the whole of McDonald's seemed to have disappeared around us. I was so tightly wrapped in our little bubble of conversation that we only started studying at 12, even though we came at around 9.

It was the first time my short attention span actually managed a feat quite like that.

So here's to you, Aisyah, and thanks.

LETTER FOR AISYAH ISABELLE CAMUT:

You, my dear, are an object of absolute fascination. And no, I do not suffer from Pinkerton syndrome (people who look up to the white race). We managed to hit it off pretty well from the start, you, Natasha and I. We are THE most sarcastic friends that you could find anywhere, and I appreciate the unlikely bond that we share.

I don't know how I could have survived all these years without you. I enjoy going to tuition mainly because of you, because I feel that my entire life will immdiately light up the moment I step into your house and see your face (and no, I'm not in love with you).

You make me feel good about myself. I don't have to act or pretend to be anyone else around you because you bring out the best in me. I've never seen you frown whenever I'm with you, and vice versa.

You're like a sun, Aisyah. And you make everyone feel happy, even without trying. You are extremely opinionated, and SO sincere I don't think anyone could compare. And because of that, I listen to you. You're full of determination and humour, and sometimes you just make me crack up without realizing it.

You make me forget my problems and worries when we talk. (Unless we're talking about our problems and worries) And you're open-mindedness makes me feel like I could talk to you about anything. You've taught me indirectly to care about friends who matter, to be happier, to be more religious, and in turn, to be more sincere.

You are a large part of who I am now.

Honestly speaking, being with you is so awesome. I've never truly felt so whole in another's presence before, and you do that, which is a first. You are the first person who makes me have second thoughts about all that Drama Elective shit, where I agree with you- simplicity is blessed. Drama had taught me to overthink eveything, but thank god I have you as an anchor to hold me down, rein me in, and remind me of who i am.

There's so much more I have to say, but there's only one last thing Iwant to tell you:

I look up to you as a role model like no other.

...Thank you.

2008-06-13T03:25:00.000-07:00

Some random Swedish girl named Maria added me and started talking to me. And I got through most of it... with the help of an online English-Swedish translator. This is the whole convo.

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Maria ღ says:
Heej (Hi.)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
hi

Maria ღ says:
läget ?

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
say what

Maria ღ says:
ähh hur mår du ? (How are you?)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
I'm fine

Maria ღ says:
good for you

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
vad omkring du? (what about you?)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
du er talande svensk. och den här er mig patetisk försöka. (You're speaking Swedish.
This is my pathetic attempt.)

Maria ღ says:
ok

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
inte mycket intressant , er du. (You're not very interesting, are you.)

Maria ღ says:
du pratar annorlunda, min energinivå är låg just nu (Your Swedish is a bit weird.)

Maria ღ says:
skall duscha brb (Going for a shower, be right back.)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
Jag vill vänta. Ja , JAG snackar annorlunda. Vem er du? (I will wait. Yes, my Swedish is weird. Who are you?)

Maria ღ says:
hahah sluta du vet vem det är (...Who are you)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
JAG er Hanis. (I am hanis.)

Maria ღ says:
jo d vet jag oxå (Just be yourself.)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
tala mig hur mer omkring du. (tell me more about you.)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
var er du från? (Where are you from?)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
hej Er du stilla i livet? (hi. Are you still alive?)

you've got to care for it to hurt. says:
Äsch böter , gör helhet försvinner uppföra. JAG använd den Svensk - Engelsk översättare för den här konversation så den ljuden söt bruten. Utom Jag har till gå. VIRKER - sända med posten jag någon gång yeah.
(Oh fine, do a disappearing act. I'm using a Swedish-English translator for this conversation so it's pretty broken. Send me an e-mail sometime, yeah?)

Intensely weird.
And this is my e-mail to coffeshop guy, considering I'm bored and he's never online.

This is what no coffee and an early morning does to a girl: her sending random e-mails to people.

If I'm not mistaken, you were the guy I asked for the e-mail at Downtown East, isn't that right?

Well, I was pretty much the girl looking away listening to her headphones and pretending to be very fascinated by the nasi goreng which I had ordered from you.

Sorry for my behaviour. But you can't put all the blame on me considering I come from an all-girls school and hadn't had ANY contact with the opposite gender besides the occasional relative. The strain of being grouped together with your own kind for years has taken it's toll on me.

What about you? You don't have to answer me though, and you can send me straight to 'Deleted', if you want.

But you'll be missing out on an amazing e-mailing journey, of course.

Hit me back, you Nameless-Never-Online-guy.

And there you go. My very entertaining Friday the thirteenth.

2008-06-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

IT'S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!!!

Not that it has much significance to me, no.

I woke up at an unholy hour, thanks to a drama club meeting. I fell out of bed and pretty much crawled with my eyes half-closed to the school gate. There, I was met with an intense desire that could put a sexually repressed guy looking at porno to shame.

I had a VERY STRONG hunger for a tall caramel frappucino. EXTREMELY STRONG hunger.

And it could not be satisfied.

Having missed Hannah Montana, (AGAIN,) after being dragged out to dinner with my family, and unable to obtain my coffee, I was in a very weird mood. You could say I was high on my utter depression.

I babbled my way through Drama and soon seeked the comfort of the bus home.

I was in such a high, undefinable mood that I started calling random people. I tried calling Kristen (many times over, I might add), and all I got was a stupid recording on the other end of the line. Annoying, I tell you. Then, for god knows what reason, I called Deepika and told her I missed her voice, to which most of her reply was "You sound like Margaret and Miranda on the phone."

And then I went to read a book called Vampire Diaries, which raj has so kindly lent me. And it set me thinking. You know, in a book, there are always the protagonists and such, but what happens to their friends, the normal ones who are normal and are not abnormal in any way to stand out as a protagonist which is why they're not the protagonists in the first place?

Hmm. I really wonder what their take on the story is.

And my decaffed brain started working. I don't want to be one of those people in the background who are just a part of the protagonist's life. I wanted to be THE protagonist. I wanted to be THE Hanis. I didn't want to be some other Hanis. You know, so much so that when I google my name on the net, I can see information about myself only on the first 300 pages?

So much so that an 80 year old toothless uncool Kristen could tell her grandchildren that she sat beind THE HANIS in class, and immediately she'll be rolled out the red carpet and is the only age exception in every club in the universe.

I'm not talking about being a Hannah Montana wannabe, no, I'm talking about being an INDIVIDUAL. An individual with a personality so bright it blocks out all the other Hanises in the world. Kinda like Hitler.

Though, of course it would help if my name were a super exotic one like Kjhuty or Ferejkaknidm. Google would break down trying to fit my name in.

Well, in the end I guess its the teenage hormones working overtime. Which teenager hasn't wanted to be SPESHELL??

Though I would risk becoming well-known to watch Kristen doing said stuff.
I wonder if we would end up working for each other when we grow up.
Imagine me rifling through resumes.

"Sakinah Ansari? Kristen Ong Xin Ru? Clarissa Sih? Rajeshree Rakunathan? Hmm... their names ring a bell... Oh yeaahhhh, they were my classmates. Oh well. Next!"

HAHHAHA, that would be awesome.

Well, until then, I have yet to come up with a plan to get out of tuition before 5 as Drake and Josh is on.

Quote of the day: "You've got to care in the first place to get hurt."

Current song I'm listening to: Sweet Cherry Pie.

2008-06-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

All I did today was eat chocolate, did Math, and missed Drake and Josh.

Am in a current vegetative state (except for my fingers, which have been painstakingly typing one letter per minute) due to my missing Hannah Montana yesterday.

It's a cardinal sin to not watch re-runs of Friends, Ugly Betty, Drake/Josh and Hannah Montana in my books.

My family members have taken to wearing ~~extra~~ earplugs because I have been singing best Of Both Worlds in horribly off-beat, sad, and choked voice.

And I feel infuriatingly small and a-waste-of-space-on-this-planet every time I hear Johnny Depp's voice in Sweeney Todd. (Which track I have placed on loop-the last one on repeat was Best Of Both Worlds- I'm sorry for those who are with me right now.)

Current song I'm listening to: Johanna (Sweeney Todd)

Whatever I do, I am NOT, I repeat, I am NOT gonna miss Hannah Montana tonight.

Heck, I even went all the way to Orchard to get those 3-D glasses so I could watch the Hannah Montana show on the 21st of June! (which is Nicole's b'dae, btw, so I guess she'll be pretty happy with a free pair of HM's read and blue glasses- what with the price of oil nowadays)

I have been playing Sims 2 since morning, and have succeeded in making four babies, the highest number I've obtained in my pathetic 15 yrs of existence, out of which I only remember 6)

Of course I deleted the whole family after I was done. Who wants bawling infants around?

Almost seven. The song is coming to a close.

I feeeeeeeeeeeellllll youuu, Johannnaaa....

(I feeeeeellllll my family's pain.)

~~I wanna be the next Hannah Montana. Except one with a less horse-like name.~~

2008-06-11T02:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't do much today, just did some of the Chemistry homework.

I kinda miss school. Not the lessons though.

Gonna go play the Sims now.

TA!

2008-06-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

Current song I'm listening to: Mariah Carey- Side Effects.

Today I went to the library with Sakinah, where we wasted a whole one and a half hour just reading and being in our own worlds.

Sak: You know, if we could tape our conversations and post them on youtube, we would get like, a billion views.

Sak saw my hair and was like, "It looks good." Awesome. I don't look like some minah rocker after all.

AND THEN, when we went to the Tampines Interchange, guess what? I saw COFFEESHOP GUY. Yes, the guy who me and my cuz got the e-mail from.

Me: Sak, look, look, it's coffeeshop guy!

Sak: Where?

Me: There-the one wearing black, with the cap.

Sak: Oh... I HATE the way he's wearing his cap. Can't he wear it like a normal person?

Me: Shuddup lah.

Yep. And we went to buy strawberry tart from delifrance and caramel frapp from starbucks. Awesome, I tell you.

Then we just went back to my place and went back to our old hangin' place, the park bench. We go there to just hibernate, you know, sit there side by side and crap.

The thing I like about the hibernating sessions is that we are so comfortable in each others' presence that we totally FORGET what we said. And then I brought Sak over to Aisyah's house to see the gorgeous Attiya Armelle, the youngest 7 month old sister of bestie Aisyah Isabelle.

I love you, Natasha, Aisyah, and Sak. In a very ungay way.

Natasha: Yes, you're a BIG coward, but you're awesomely sweet, and I love those truffles and brownies you made me for my birthday. you're sarcastic and witty in your own way, and never fail to make me laugh.

Aisyah: I would never admit this, but youre so awesome, and one of the most sincere friends I've ever had, and I love your personality. And I know you miss me. haha.

2008-06-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's a random blog post, becaus i'm random.

I had an AWESOME chalet that lasted from Sat till yesterday, and I am still reeling from the absurdity of it all. IT WAS SO COOL. Nothing beats getting red in the face and fanning flames into life and watching your marshmallows melt and your chicken go black, I tell you.

We had free passes into Escape, and played and played andplayed until we got sick. My fav ride, the boat water thingy , was out of order, so me and my cousin rode the viking over and over again.

We waited in line again and again until we could finally get the seats at the back. Right at the end. And thats where we ended up at.

(During the first few seconds of the ride)

Me: Yaya, this is boring. I thought you said sitting at the end would be funner.

Yaya: I did. Wait for it.

(A few more seconds later)

Me: hey, this is kinda fun.

Yaya: Yep. Wait for it.

(A few more seconds later and we were perfectly vertical)

Me: YAYA!!!! YAYA!!!! You SUCK!!! WHO ASKED YOU TO SIT AT THE BACK HUUHHH???

Yaya: You did.

(A few more seconds later, still vertical)

Me: I'm falling!! I'm FAALLLIINNNGGG!!!!!

(A few more seconds later, and all four of my limbs are holding onto something)

...

(My left hand is holding onto my cousin, my right foot is wrapped around the rail, my left foot
is hooked onto my other foot, and my right hand is holding onto a structure behind me)
...

(after the ride)

Me: That...was...AWESOME! Why were you being such a scaredy cat? Pfft.

Yaya: Eh...wha..???

Sigh. Good times, good times.
And then after that, we went to the food court, where THE HOT GUY works there.
And I GOT HIS Eeeeee-MAILLL!!!!!!

He has a nice laugh, has nice hair, and a GREAT smile. AWESOME. We should totally hang out.

(I thought I was over guys, but apparently my hormones disagree).

And I had an AWESOME haircut, and now I look like some minah rocker from god-knows-where. But me loves it.

ANd when Syaz and Nurli came over, and Syaz wanted a couple of girls' numbers, we went around the chalet pretending we were lost and asked the girls for directions, in turn finding out more about them. It was so spastic, it was funny.

And on the last night, I watched kungfu Panda. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. My fav line from the movie: "There is no charge for awesomeness." Totally dig you, Panda.

And yesterday, I went out with my family. We visited the Juvenile and Subordinate court, and it was Sw-ee-tt with capital letters everywhere. The place had a sort of grimy, dark feeling about it, though, so we hurriedly left. And in the evening, we went to the Sembawang hot springs, and we bathed our feet and arms and faces in the boiling water. it's so hot you cant even tell the diff whether its hot or cold anymore.

I've never felt so fresh in my life. The hot spring water was really nice, except for the smell of sulphur in the air, but other than that, it's my number two best bath I've ever had in my life, the first being in Malaysia at a waterfall.

I...forgot what i was about to say.

So there you go, my perfect, perfect weekend, sooo perfect it was like a disney movie.

but without the singing and dancing inside.

2008-06-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

"If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back." -Jacob Black.

I was sitting all alone yesterday in my room, and as I told you guys before, any prolonged solitary time with only me for company can never be good. So before my head could get all woozy and start overthinking everything and make me feel all weirdish again , I immediately turned to look for something that would keep me occupied throughout the night.

There were two things that could keep my mind healthy in my bedroom- one, the Twilight series, two, A man named Dave, a real story, and three, Math.

I looked at the two books and then chose A man named Dave. As I read on, I was suddenly gripped with a fierce hatred for the Twilight series. All those books shielded such little reality and was replaced by so much deluded fantasy, so much so that I have had more than my fair share of debates about Edward/ Jacob, and simply wasted my time trying to see why everyone loved Edward so much.

Let me get the verdict out once and for all: I have come to surmise that everyone loves Edward because he's the deluded impression of what they want their future boyfriends/husbands to be. As Sak once said, "That's EXACTLY why we love him. He's fantasy." I understand that. I do. But I have another interesting discovery:

Most of those who love Edward are very indifferent to open, friendly debates about him and Jacob. Even if I'm not saying horrible things about their Eddy, they REFUSE to look at Jacob's side of the story. They normally PRETEND to listen or just cover their ears and run off.

Jacob, in many ways, is the real-er version of a guy you can get in the books. Those who REFUSE to even LISTEN to Jake's side have a problem with reality. If it's small or huge, I don't know, but I can't HELP but notice that those down to earth people tend to lean a little heavily on Jacob's side.

Now, I'm not down to earth in any sense, but the thing is, I balance my fiction with non fiction. I read Jodi Picoult side by side with Stephenie Meyer. The only fictional book I don't mind reading bu itself was Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling was very able to balance reality and fantasy, I have to give her that. Stephenie Meyer can't, at ALL.

That's that. I refuse to touch on the subject of Twilight anymore, because for one, it's unhealthy for me, and I am getting sick and tired of the edwardedwardedwardedwardihatejacobblack babble.

So I put down the Dave book, and started doing my Math.

Switched on some music, and bobbed along to the music, and managed to finish an entire paper.

It was pure bliss, nothing whiny going in my head.

If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back.

I know what he means.
And I hope the silence in my head lasts. Guess I gotta do some more Math.

OH SNAP.

Current fav song: Outta My head by Ashlee Simpson.
Billie Jean, Chriss Cornell's version, by David Cook.

2008-06-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

I am officially in love with MICHEAL JACKSON.

Yep, dig that.

And Kellan Lutz, the guy who plays Emmett Cullen in Twilight.
He'll be appearing in Prom Night too, so I guess I'd better run along ad watch that as well.

He's just...cute.

Micheal Jackson i just...Wow. Did you know that he is really really talented?

Awesome.

I am feelin pretty normal today... so NORMAL. Oh well, it's not so bad.

Hmm, wondr what tomorrow brings?

Jacob, I'll remember you. I have decided to forget all twilight characters but you, because you have made me see life through your eyes, and you have influenced me just as much as My Chemical Romance, Micheal Jackson, Janice Dickinson, and myself. And that's pretty huge.

Haha.

Gotta go.

2008-05-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

I swear, if Jacob and and Bella DO NOT DIE by the end of the series or at least don't get all depressed and suicidal by the end of BREAKING DAWN, I am sneaking into the bookstores to burn all the copies down.

I'm sure Stepehenie Meyer can arrange something like that to happen. If she can pass off as a great writer while writing a shitty rip-off of Romeo and Juliet/ Interview with the vampire, she can totally make Jacob Black kill himself out of pure desperation and hopefully bring Bella down with him, leaving the -what's -his-freaking-romeo-wannabe-face all confused and whatnot.

That, dear friends, will be pure satisfaction.

From the dead beautiful boy who blocked his own shot:

: I love this song. It makes me feel all saddish and like.

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am

And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am
I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out

It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds

So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

So you can forget
You can forget
You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

I am utterly at peace yet at war with myself right now.
I'm contemplating never getting married, (don't ask me why I'm thinking about this now)
And thinking about nothing.

My mind is like...zilch.

I feel like as though there's some burning memory or question or answer trying to claw itself out of my mind but my subconscious is consciously (haha) trying to force it back down.

This is a major, major moment.

I feel saddish, don't know why. I don't know what made me pick out those lines in the above song... MAybe it has something to do with how I'm feeling.

OOh how pathetic is that, I don't even have a word to describe how I'm feeling, and 'confused' just doesn't cover it, and sounds pretty wrong.

This is what being alone with myself leads to.
I'm going to go study or some shit to get this off my back. I cannot think right now, or god knows what will happen to me if I let my brain control my emotions and feelings.

... Study chem. Yes, I will. And Amath. Aha.

AWESOME.

Gotta go, see ya.

2008-05-19T02:37:00.000-07:00

AHh.

Today is a HOLIDAY. Yeah baby.

Went over to Raj's house and SABOTAGED HER PIANO.
And watched Interview with the Vampire.

BRAD PITT KIRSTEN DUNST TOM CRUISE.

We spent most of the time just watching...and watching...until our eyeballs dropped out.

Currently in horribly uncomf position.

my head has been covered with sticky brownish henna.

and been wrapped like a tuna sandwich.

boosh.

2008-05-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Mariah Carey- Side Effects.

Mariah Carey's E=Mc2 album is actually pretty good. All cheesy pretty fluff, but the sounds were good all the same. Listened to it in Popular, and the catchy beats threatened my feet to embarass me in front of the crowd by dancing.

We had LDS sec 4 farewell on Tues, and it pretty much rocked (for me). Nat's mom was so awesome, she bought us all doughnuts. And we basically stuffed ourselves again and again.

(Side note: Vanilla Coke and doughnuts are NO GOOD.)

And then the real fun came. Tiky switched on MCR- I'm not Okay, and became all Gerard-esque and pretty much ruined 2e2. It was pretty comical, what with her bashing the broom-guitar and her looking at us through her one-lens sunglasses.

If I only could post the video online, it would SELL on Ebay.

And then we had LDS today too.
It was pretty fun. We had a workshop on public speaking with a couple of representatives from other schools.

There was this guy who kinda inspired me. His name was Mirza Danial, and he was from Siglap Secondary. When he introduced himself, I could see that he was slightly struggling with his English. But truth is, he wasn't afraid to admit his nervousness and flaws. This was what he said.

"I wasn't really good in English, because I tend to talk more Malay at home. But when I go to school, due to my Chinese friends, I'm forced to speak in English. So from there, I tried to balance my languages more and that's where my love for English grew."

Awesome. I was thinking, If he could apply it to English, why can't I for Malay?

So thanks loads, Mirza.
Like Deepika said, "You have charisma." You're gonna be something when you grow up man. I take my hat off for you.

And I met a really outspoken girl named Holly Matthews, and apparently she's also in the debate club. So I asked her,

"Debate club?? Oh, so you know my friend Aisyah Isabelle?"

"Aisyah Isabelle?"

"Yeah, you know- your debate president, half-french, half-malay..."

"Oh yeah- I know her. I didn't know her second name was Isabelle. Great, now we can bully her."

Oh....shoot.

To Aisyah: A thousand apologies.

And to Raj: A million apologies for not being able to go for Drama with you today.

Altogether, a very fulfilling week.

~~And my birthday is next Saturday!!! HINT HINT!!!~~

2008-05-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Today is the 12th of May.

We got back SS, Lit, and Amath.

SS was ok, lit was GAH, and A math was like eating worms and beetles covered with 17-month-old milk.

Doesn't taste very good.

Feeling a little disorientated right now.

Hi Raj,

A and E math remedial sucked today.

Hanis.

"Oh geez. Another failure for math."

"You didn't fail, Nisa. You tried."

"I got the same marks when I didn't study either. What's the diff?"

"Nisa, it'll be ok. Remember? If it takes a 101 tries to get it right, why stop at a 100?"

".... Fine. I'll try. But it won't be ok."

"Hanis, it will. It will."

"It won't be ok without you here."

"Don't."

"Stay with me."

"I...."

"Stay."

I doze off sleeping while the teachers drone away at the front of the hall.

"Wake up, Hanis."

"I don't want to. I want you here."

"I'll be here. Please, wake up."

"No."

"Please."

"I'm here, Hanis. I'm here. In every thread of your imagination. I'm here whenever you pray. I'm here."

"Promise?"

"I'll be here, Hanis."

I wake up.

2008-05-10T18:47:00.001-07:00

Hey you.

Watched Ayat-Ayat Cinta at night yesterday. It was beyond amazing.

Gave my mom a huge drawing in white on a black board. It was a drawing of a rose with wings and I wrote:

roses are red, violets are blue, there is no other mother in this world like you.

Cheesy, but worth it.

Ate at a hotel, it was pretty good.

It's just one of those days where my brain refuses to be able to join the sentences together and make them sound at least a little bit interesting.

2008-05-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

We got back our papers today.

I fell short of an A1 for English by one and a half mark, but I managed to achieve a B3 for Higher Malay - Awesome.

But, exam scripts aside, today was a very...eventful day.

There was the slightly tiring practice of choral speaking for Drama, which was so spasticated I don't think an octopus could beat it's moves, and then there was the whole hullabaloo about us losing Drama Elective costumes.

Whoops.

I simply went through the studio once and that was it. I was surprisingly more relaxed than I thought I would be. Our seniors (YAY) managed to find Nat's slipcover, and that was pretty much enough for me. I don't really care for my costume that much. BUT ME LOVES THE SKIRT. IT'S ONE OF A KIND.

And me and Raj missed two double deck 31's.

~~And when I went home, there were two guys behind me talking about screwing up girls and getting them pregnant and watching porno.~~

And Raj was with me in the bus for about... 10 minutes.

Pfft.

And then my earphones broke.

Talk about having enough for one day!

But I'm still generally happy. Even though Cikgu Zain's story about the drowned 15 year old guy ~~really~~ kinda scared me.

...It could have so easily been him.

And Nat, thanks for all the patience when teaching me piano and guitar. I'm getting a piano soon! Yeah baby. See ya tomorrow.

I pray for you twice as hard now, coz no one can help me or you except for Him.

Dear God,
the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold him when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away...

2008-05-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

I am browsing in Popular with Sakinah after school today. Who knew there were so many cards to choose from for Mother's Day?

'Aha,' I think, as I pick an intricately decorative one, 'what does this one say?'

I start to open a card when I hear someone call my name.

And no, it's not Sakinah.

It's a guy.

My heart starts to pump so fast I don't know how it could ever go faster, I almost feel that blush and heat I haven't felt in three years creep up my neck and colour my cheeks, I hear my breathing accelerate to the point of stopping.

And this all happened before I turned around to look at the caller.

'Don't hope, don't hope,' I chide myself before taking a deep breath.

I turn around.

Immediately, everything returns to normal.

It's not him. But close enough.

"Hey Hanis. You're as short as ever."
"Shut up. You're no taller."
"Still taller than you though."
"What school are you in?"
"East View."
"Oh-oh hey, I was at your school a couple of days ago."
"Oh really?"
"Um-hm. I know there are a couple of TPsians in your school."
"Yeah, like Pavithra,-"
"Pardeep, Indra Putra. yeah."

Here's the funny part.

He mumbles something so incoherent and quickly I can't process it.

"BBAbabbalalabba wha?"

he mumbles again, smiling elatedly like as if it's the best news in the world.

"Huh?"

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" he screams, and runs away.

I'm left standing there.

Then I shake my head, and laugh.

"Fadzly, fadzly, you're still as gay as ever."

2008-05-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

Current song I'm listening to: Hannah Montana-I Got Nerve.

WOOO. It's such an awesome song.
Her songs are so CATCHY.

One day, I may run into the classroom screaming her lyrics as loud as I can, where everybody will then turn away and pretend they do not know me.

My birthday is coming soon! 24th May. It's such a nice date.

The first half of that prestigious day will be spent with Aisyah, where we shall wile away our time helping our primary school's drama club and laugh and laugh and laugh.

WISHLIST FOR MY BIRTHDAY:

-Be a better friend
-Be more patient
-Be more careful
-Be the best that I can be
-Pay attention during classes

To Siaw Ee: Can't wait for ice-skating man. I wish to teach you the backwards circle. It's all about momentum. When I master my jump I WILL FORCE YOU to do it too.

To Raj: Can't wait for June hols. And no more bitching, please. (: I'm through with it for all time.
Remember our truces/promises! Choral-speaking baby.

To Sakinah: Ahhaaaa....what to do with you?? Haha. Kay, umm... Places to see, people to know, and manymanymanymany things to do.

To Nat: PIANO! I WILL insist on cmg over to your house. And our days will be filled with libraries and MCR.

My life is turning out awesome.

Alhamdulillah.

To people I may have accidentally hurt: I'm sorry.

2008-05-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

The water that runs over my fingers at 6 pm in the evening is lukewarm and unpleasant when cupped in my hands.

But it still feels refreshing and soothing as I wash my face and hands with it, and I walk out feeling better than I have ever felt in my life.

School today was pretty enjoyable. I had a 'high' episode just after recess, of which Kristen fell victim to my antics.

*sniggers*

There's Drama tomorrow. YAY.

We learn new things along the way, and the road is bumpy, but all is according to God's plan, and I believe in Him.

I never forget to pray for you, night and day, to ask God to keep you safe when you are so far away from me.

Keep him safe, Ya'Allah.

Terima kasih, Ya'Allah.
Alhamdullilah.

Kalaulah engkau hendak mengambil nyawaku Ya'Allah,
Ambillah aku dalam bulan Ramadhan, Ya'Allah,
Pada hari Jumaat, Ya'Allah,
Dalam keadaan yang suci dan bersih Ya'Allah,
Dengan wudhuk, Ya'Allah,
Menghadap kiblat, Ya'Allah
Dengan mengucap Laillahaillallah, Ya'Allah.

Amin.

2008-05-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

The water that runs over my fingers in the morning at 6 am are cool and pleasant to the touch.

So, on Saturday, which was yesterday, I went out with a couple of good childhood friends from greenview to bowl at the new E!Hub at 11 at night. It could have been better, if not for the fact that we had been waiting for approximately two hours just to secure a bowling alley and the fact that we reached home at one in the morning dead tired.

But on the whole, it was pretty much good, clean, childhood fun.

I recently watched the Milan fashion Week: Feb '08, Gucci on Fashion TV, and I must say that it was quite a whole new experience. The Gucci fashion show has inspired me in new ways, even though it has been one of the most DRAB fashion show I've ever watched. (The best being of course, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show). Here's the lowdown:

All the models on the runway look eerily similar, what with their long dirty blonde wavy being parted down the middle and of course, the signature smokey-eye and pale nude shades being the main make-up for them. Nothing too extravagant. After staring in shock at just how EXACt they all look, I diverted my attention to what these long-leggers were toting.

I almost went back to staring in shock at the models when I saw what they were wearing. All their clothes had the same base of black somewhere, and almost all were either carrying a huge GUCCI bag or wearing some huge fur-lined jacket. ALL of them were also wearing the same black adorned skirts over black leggings.

After a while though, when I finally could pay attention to the clothes, I realized that their outfits weren't exactly THAT bad. The skirts had beautiful gold adornments sewn onto them and it gave SO MUCH personality to the whole outfit.

The second half of the show was much better. The dresses the second set of models wore were Grecian-goddess like, and with The Killers-like music drifting in from the background, it gave the atmosphere a very bohemian-like feeling, so there was a lot of LIKE LIKE LIKE.
What I first came to conclude was that it was hardly inspiring, but after I while, like an ugly puppy, it sorts of grows on you. The indie vibes have somewhat touched and inspired me.

...

I could still do without those awful fur-lined jackets in the first half, though.

Quick note: Have been reading three books:

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, The Real Deal: School, and
Don't Be Sad. (Nat, this one's for you.), and
Ayat-Ayat Cinta. (Translation: Sentences of love..AWESOME book)

I Can't wait to watch the movie.

I show him a picture of Sakinah.

He yelps. "OH MY GOD!"

I wait for him to rant on about how pretty she looks and beg me for her number....

"WHAT THE HELL IS JACQUELINE VIKTOR DOING IN YOUR PHONE?!?!?"

I'm sorry, Sak. (It was funny, gotta admit it.)

2008-04-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

So I drive home alone

As I turn off the lights

I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.

2008-04-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

What hurts the most,
Was being so close
Having so much to say,
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been,
And not seeing that loving you
Was what I was trying to do.

Rascal Flatts-"What hurts the most".

After much thinking, ~~and crying on my part~~, I have decided to forget you.

It's hard for me to not think of you wherever I go-

When I hear those Malay boys screaming in fun as they play soccer at the void deck in the middle of the night-

When I run into one of our old school friends and I'm alone-

Whenever I drink Coke-

When I see a red jacket

When I see someone smoking-

I'm reminded of you.

I lost a part of me yesternight.
I've been holding onto you for almost five years now.

There is a part of me that is unsure if all I actually want to do is forget you, or forget how I felt about you.

...I just dread the day I wake up and am unable to remember how you looked like, so I will write it down to the best of my abilities-

Your windswept brown hair
Your red jacket with a hoodie
The day you sprayed Coke on me
The day that I almost broke down crying when my father caned you for smoking
The way your eyes seemed to tell a whole different story
The way you talked
Your husky, boyish voice,
The way you said my name

The way you looked like on the day you told me you loved me.

I love you, and always will,

and when I close my eyes, it's only you that I ever see.

That.

Will never change.

2008-04-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

How about a round of applause?
Standing ovation?

TAKE A BOW by RIHANNA.

Surprisingly like that song.

Going out with Sakinah and Raj today (Nat REFUSED to have her social life) to the Esplanade library and Spotlight and Funan and maybe a costume shop. YAY.

It's almost 9 and I havent bathed yet.

They're going to kill me if I'm not there by 10.

HAVE FUN guys.

Short posts

Reflect

How short I am.

2008-04-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO

HIGH now.

Just finished the HMT paper, it was fairly easy. tadadada.
So here's the verdict on my take on the exams:

English: Easy
Social Studies: Easy/Moderate
Chemistry: Moderate/Hard (I could tell it was supposed to easy, but uhhh......)
A Math: Easy/Moderate
Literature: Easy/Moderate
Bio: Moderate/Hard
E Math: Hard/Difficult (IT LOOKED EASY. Grr. I didn't have enough time.)
Higher MT: Easy/Moderate

Only one paper left....

DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let us study for the final paper with much vigour in our hearts.

I actually FEEL like a normal person. It's not as bad as I thought.
DON'T THINK!

Random.

spasssssicateeddddd

TOOSH TOOSH CABOOSH! Went the CHOO CHOO train....

Hi Miss Alice
In your glass eye, what sort of dream,
Are you seeing?
Once again, my heart has burst, and is pouring out,
"Repair it," Call the memories trapped in the crevice
Still, you do not answer

Still, you do not answer...

-'Still Doll'- Vampire Knight

2008-04-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

Deepika, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was too harsh and I'm sorry for making you cry.

I'm sorry for being a bitch and calling you one.

I'm sorry for everything else.

But I'm not sorry for what I said on behalf of your group.

I don't hate you.

I'm just really sorry you can't see yourself clearly.

Please think about it. For your group's sake.

Thank you for apologising. Appreciate it.

2008-04-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

I'm studying as much as I can, more than I've ever done my whole life, and yet it feels insufficient.

I woke up on Friday thinking it was Monday, and went, "CHEMISTRY!!!" and took out my textbook and rifled through it in a panic, when I checked my phone for the time and it flashed, "FRIDAY".

...

I'm stoned now.

Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'cause you were lovin' me
Just for the night, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see

Rascal Flatts: Help Me Remember

And I would'nt change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many timesI was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd findI know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

Rascal Flatts: Here

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone

Rascal Flatts: My Worst fear

Hey babe, I miss you. Good luck for your mid-years, wherever you are. Love you.

2008-04-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

We had P.E today.

It was...almost as embarrasing as the bus incident.

Won't describe it in detail, but the gist of it was that I did a forward matrix onto the mat while trying to jump off the springboard and did an excellent imitation of Gerard stagediving off into the audience.

To spare my already belittled ego, I shall do a quiz I found on Friendster.

1. Music playing at the moment? What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts. New fav of mine.

2. One reason for living? Finding new reasons to live.

3. Is anything bothering you at themoment? The mid-years, a little. (Surprise, surprise.)

4. Do you believe in the love atfirst sight? YES.

5. What flowers do you like? Any cool looking flower that smells awesome.

6.Accessories you usually wear? Earrings and watches and belts and hats.

7. One song to describe a heartbreakin the past? Unbreak my heart.

8. Are you a forgiving person? I think.

9. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?A book.

10. Last person to touch your butt? I can't remember. I've been molested too many times.

11. Piercings or tattoo? Piercings on my ears.

12. The most romantic gift? A spray of sugar water from a Nike water bottle.

13. Do you like someone right this second? Yes.

14. Struck by lightning before? I think I have, 'coz my brain cells are denatured...

15. Danced with your loved onebefore? No. Never.

16. Ever wished you could turn backtime? Every single second of my life.

17. Do you plan on moving out within the next year? No.

18. The last text you received on yourcell was from? Sakinah.

19. If you could have anything inthe world what would it be? ...Him.

20. What does your 14th text messagein your inbox say? "No."

21. Ever thought of robbing a bank? It's on my to-do list.

22. One thing you totally regret? Not replying to his declaration.

23. Have you ever thought one ofyour teachers did drugs? HAHA Mrs. Crothers.

24. What was the last music youplayed on the computer? What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts.

25. Someone who means a lot to youat the moment? Him.

26. Hows your ex doing? ???

27. Do you hate somone at themoment? Myself. A little. ~~But not in a Natalie kinda way~~

28. Songs that cheer you up? Taylor Swift and MCR.

29. Last song you sang? What hurts the most by rascal flatts. (This is the third time I'm typing this title down- I need some variety)

30. Worst thing that ever happened toyou? I'm not sure.

31. Do you have any interestingbruises or scars? Too many to remember.

32. What do you wish to happen now? To find him.

33. Do you sing in the shower? Everytime.

34. What did you do today morning? Attended school. ~~And embarassed myself~~

35. When did you first start noticingthe opposite sex? P5.

36. What is the connection betweenyou and the last person that textedyou? We're freaking awesome friends.

37. What describes your last kiss? I'm a LIP-VIRGIN!!!!!

2008-04-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

Trippin' is hungry.

I've been feeling rather out of my league this past few days, and I didn't even know that a whole week had flown by till I eavesdropped on a convo between Rehana and Tiky.

Tiky: "What's the day today?"

Rehana: "It's Monday."

The first thought I had when she said that was, 'Monday. And tomorrow I'm going to wake up at ten to go to the library and...'

Wait. Monday?

At which I corrected Rehana and told her it was Friday instead, and we both went.... 'Already?'

How strange is it, that on some days I can look at the clock and wish it would tick by faster ~~for example, during Chem,~~ and other days I wish the clock would buy me some more time.

Teenage years are like that, I suppose. It's an era where everything seems to be going fast and slow at the same time, and yet every moment is etched in your mind just waiting to be glossed over/regretted/poked fun of/laughed at/cried at when we grow and mature later on.

But that's also where a strange beauty lies. Being a teen, there are some feelings and experiences that can be extinguished/forgotten quickly overnight and some which aren't. Our minds and bodies are fickle trying to shape a personality which just screams 'THIS IS WHO MAKES ME WHO I AM."

And when we don't really know who we are, that's where all the angst/confusion/stereotyping/anger/sadness comes in.

That's mainly one of the reasons why I'm trying to take life one step at a time, where a moment is just a moment, and all I have to do is sit back and relax and enjoy it.
All teens have their moments. It's just how they deal with them that makes them who they are.

Being a teen comes only once in a lifetime. No matter how much we hate/love that one guy/girl, these things have a very high percentage of changing when we grow up.
Our minds are extremely fickle at this age, and most of our decisions are made on impulse.
That's why I don't take anything too seriously right now. I guess that's what gives me that very she-doesn't-give-a-hoot easygoing kind of aura.

I envision my life as a book, with vague scribbles on the page which I have not yet come to read.
But what I do know is that I want those scribbles to be filled with something somewhat more justifyable and satisfying when I read it back again.
And sometimes, the only way to do that is to skip a couple of pages, read back a few a few of those, and then start to fill in the blank spaces.

So that, 35 years later, my tired, worn-out 50 year old body would have nothing but good memories to think of in my old-fashioned rocking chair.

2008-04-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

2008-04-01T03:27:00.000-07:00

RAJ, shall upload yours soon, don't worry!

I don't know what's wrong with ze blog, it won't load anymore!!

I like the pics. I think I may bring Cam (my camera) with me every day of my life.
April Fool's pics shall soon be uploaded as well.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S!!!

2008-03-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

I meant to update a long time ago, but I guess it slipped my mind.

Lots of things happened, and Trippin' has been nagging continuously day and night at my ear to FEED IT.

So here's a piece of well-deserved bread for my malnourished blog.

Like I said, lots of things happened, but I can't remember them. My mood has been pretty much neutral these past few days... weeks? Time has foregone my poor old mind.

...I feel old.

Or maybe Drama is just getting to me. Grr.

I hate being cryptic, but sometimes being cryptic is the best way to do it.

Being old, you realize people will leave you (People will leave you halfway through the wood...)
And find someone else (Nothing's quite so clear now...)
But still, you find solace in the fact that (No one is alone...)

*No one is alone, Into The Woods.

And when you're old, you start wishing (I wish)
To be able to turn back time (More than anything)
And do everything all over again (More than life)

*Prologue, Into The Woods.

I feel old, because otherwise I wouldn't be in sync with the mind of a 70-year old granny.

My brother, my solace.
My idea of a rebel, and yet my idea of peace.
I admire your strength and perseverance.
~~And I like your recently dyed hair~~
Now let's go back to the days of the old,
Let's go back to the era of pure innocence.
~~And your black shirt displaying sexual imuendo~~

I thought I knew you.

Funny how I never knew you had a sister.

A sister as tough as you.

...Maybe a better sister than me.
~~Am I not good enough?~~

2008-03-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

You live your whole life staring at a wall, your mind goes blank sooner now you will fall.
You never learned the things you say to know now, but how?
There seems to be a difference, two different types of kids.
The ones who go out and the ones that are taught to live.
One groups taught how and the other group is taught why.
There's no need to tell you what's in my mind, but in the game of life I'm doing fine.

-Avenged Sevenfold, 'Streets'.

1.How tall are you? ___ cm. 15..plusplus. Grow taller, Hanis.
2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship? Can anyone be unfaithful in a non-existent relationship? If that's the case, then I'm sorry to tell Gerard that I've been sleeping with all the other band members while dating him. ~~I'm sexually repressed.~~
3. Do you own a gun? More like gunSS. My favourite is the Mega-Water-Blast purple one.
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? Dyscalculia, Manic Depression, A.D.D.
5. How many letters are in your crush's name? Six.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? They're nice when I'm hungry.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? ...We wish you a merry christmas. Heh.
8.What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Vanilaa Coke. Anything with caffeine, actually.
9. Do you do push-ups? I can do a pathetic one in the sapn of one hour.
10. Have you ever done ecstasy? If by ecstasy you mean little stoopid things that gets hanis high and happy such as watching mrt trains from sakinah's house, then yeah.
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ~~I have both.~~ No.
12. Do you like the rain? VERY VERY MUCH SO. (:
13.Do you own a knife? A keris from Bintan and a yellow penknife which I've named Scar. ~~Emo much?~~
14. What do you smell like? I'd like to think the rain, but most of the time I think it's just because I tend to never use an umbrella, even when it's pouring buckets.
15. Do you have A.D.D.? No, of course not. I'm very focused and...Oh, look- a butterfly!!!!!
(After 6 hours)
16. Full initials? H.K.A. ~~Hong Kong airways! Yeah.~~
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: 1) Avenged Sevenfold is playing in my head. 2) Meeting Sak at the interchange later. 3) Nice, special thoughts. (:
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today? Nothing, actually.
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink, in order most to least. Vanilla Coke, Caramel Frapp, Strawberry tea, Water, and Water with sugar.
20. What time did you wake up today? 7! I'm a light sleeper.
21. Can you spell? Spell as in A B C? ...Off corse.
22. Current worry? That I spill too much when talking to Crothers again.
23. Favorite place to be? Cemetery. I know, sounds morbid.
24. Least favorite place to be? School. Gah.
25. Where would you like to go? To OUTER SPACE!!!
26. Do you own slippers? Manymanymany.
27. What do you think you'll be? A mermaid.
28. Do you burn or tan? Tannnnnnnnn.
30.Yellow or blue? Yellow, for reasons unknown to myself.
31. Would you be a pirate? YEs YES YES PLEASSSSEEEEE??????
32.Last time your cell rang? Yesterday, when Sakinah gave me directions to her house after I missed the stop.
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Lotsandlots. Mostly showtunes. Good Morning Baltimore, All Alone in The Hallways as Always, I'll never Have that Chance, Colors of the Wind.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? A red and black thingamajig.
35. What's in your pockets right now? My pajamas has no pockets! ... Someone invent something with lotsandlots of zippers and pockets for me, please.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Yesterday, after stumbling upon something UNEXPECTED in Sak's sister's room.
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? A pink and beige one, with intricate flowers all over as a border, and inside the picture, there's a little girl with curly brown hair and a light-coloured dress, wearing a wide-brimmed hat, feeding a bluebird with something inside her woven basket.
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Severed middle finger as a child. (Someone slammed the door on it by accident.)
39. What is your GPA? 31!!!!! Haha.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two. One broken, the other crazy.
41. Who is your loudest friend? Gee. haha! Deepika!!!!
42. Who is your most silent friend? Natalie Wang. -.-
43. Does someone have a crush on you? No.Maybe.I don't know. Huh? What's the question?
44. Do you wish on stars? The moon. The stars you see in Singapore are dead ones. The light's just coming to us now.
45. What is your favorite book? Room 119, Theories of relativity, why did she have to die?
46. What song did you last hear? Avenged Sevenfold, Dear God.
49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Dreaming.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? It's Saturday.
51. Does anyone know your password to your email? Nope. It's very, very private.
52. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds? Fries and ice-cream!
53. Are you an emotional person? Not most of the time, I try to keep my emotions in check. I'm impulsive, and it tends to backfire. So I've learnt not to display reactions to people who are waiting for it.
54. Do you like your school? Pretty much, yeah.
55. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes.
56. Ever felt jealous of your friend? ... Wow. Wait, I don't remember. Jealousy doesn't stick with me.
57. What was the last thing you did? Daydream.
58. Who is right next to you? Someone named Lyrical.
59. Who was the last person you ate with? My brother.
60. What song are you listening to right now? Avenged Sevenfold. Dear God.
61. How's the weather right now? Sunny! Yellow.
62. Last person who called you today? No one. Aww.
64. Last song you sang? No Air.
65. Last time you danced? Yesterday, to Low.
66. Lost a friendship over something stupid? Yeah. Last year. God, I would willingly be run over by a bus to have her back.
67. Last thing you ate? Toothpaste.
68. Been really depressed before? Hard not to be when Natalie Wang is sitting behind you.
69. Faked being sick to miss school? Not in Secondary school, but if I wanna miss classes when I'm not unwell I tell my friends I'm doing it for fun. I don't fake.
70. What time did you wake up today? 7! wait, hasn't this question already been asked?
71. Current taste? Toothpaste.
72. Who is the person that posted this survey? Natalie.
73. What are you wearing right now? A KIKO shirt and hot-pink pants.
74. Are you too shy to ask anyone out? Not really, no. But I haven't tried.
75. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Hair.
76.Where are you right now? At home.
77. What date and day is it? I dunno. 22nd march is it? Oh, and it's saturday.
78. Did you go anywhere today? My room, my brother's room, the toilet, the kitchen.
79. What did you do there? I looked out of the window, I slept, I brushed my teeth, I ate.
80. How old are you? 14 going on 40.
81. Are you mature or immature? Both. (No one disagrees!! *evil glare*)
82. Do you call your parents by their first name? Nope.
83. Are you an only child? No.
84. Where do you go shopping? Malaysia or Taka. Mainly Orchard places.
85. Do you like where you work? I don't think I'd like working much, period.
86. Do you like books? Ver vey much so.
87. Do you want to get married? Maybe.
88. To whom? ~~Myself~~ Him. (Not the band, nonono)

I don't want to see you like this.
We all tried to save you but missed.
I still feel the hope on your road.
Now come back to us like the days of the old.
I still feel you there, trying to get on top.
You'll always have my support, in my heart.
People you've hurt.
Friends that you've lied to.
But we understand, and that s not (you) can see the end of the road,
I can see it too, for you, I'm scared, if I lose you, I'm not prepared.
But this time, if you die,
I'll just watch you, right before my eyes.

- Avenged Sevenfold, 'Shattered By Broken Dreams.'

2008-03-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

My blog is NOT keeping up with my schedule.

This is a pathetic attempt to get it mor filled-up and happy. ... I have grown attached to my blog. Shall I give it a name?

I'll name it... Trippin'.

On Thurs night was Into The Woods (let's forgive and forget the whole holding up the bus thing) and although a little draggy, the set was beautiful, lyrics were awesome and acting was good except for a bit of O-T-T-ness.My favorite character has to be the cow and the witch. Both had a lot of stage presence and were very constant till the end.

My favorite song would definitely be 'The Last Midnight' (I think that's what it was called) sung by the witch. The second would be by the princes. It was egocentric and preppy. Couldn't contain inward giggles.

Me and Sak are creepy.

For OBS in January, we bought our pants from the same place. At the same time. Same day. I know coz I ran into her there. On the first day of OBS, we were both wearing the same 3/4 pants.

During Lit, we both had the same song running through our heads. Britney Spears Piece Of Me.

And on our bus trip to Laselle, we both took out our lipglosses and started applying them at the same time.

At the same time.

Same second.

.... ~~She's a witch!~~

I like lipgloss. I used to wear that and eyeliner all the time since I was a kid (thank my mom) whenever we go out. I ditched the eyeliner a long time ago, but the lipgloss stayed coz I came across a chocolate-vanilla one once and fell in love with it again. But my mom gave me two Estee Lauder strawberry flavored tubes for Hari Raya, so I decided to wear that. The chocolate one is SPECIAL. I have named it Bon Appetit. It's delicious with a capital D.

And my daddy says he'll get me chocolate perfume and cocoa scrub.

Call me a choc fanatic.

Sak was wearing a really colourful gloss, it's Mary-Kate and Ashley. It shines a lotlotlotlot.
And we bought chocolate to last us throughout the whole trip.

Which reminds me, i owe her 3.70.

We felt kinda bimbo-ish on Thursday night, but every girl has her moment. And she owes me a lipgloss. (Hope you find your 14 tubes of liquidishes, Sak)

Me and Sak curse a lotlotlotlot. She was waving her middle finger around on the top of the bus deck one day. (Tsk Tsk. How can you be so f***ing vulgar, dear?)

Today me and Siti went over to Sak's house to study.

"Study Marathon," as Sak puts it.

All I remember doing was watch Sak OCD, Siti STUDY, and the TV.
America's Next Top Model was fun. NOOO. The good people get voted off.

And thanks for the Mac and Cheese, Sak, it was.... an experience. Seeing you cook. ~~Edible stuff.~~

Siti. I need your discipline. How do you do it?

Thx guys, I had a lot of fun, and Trippin' is feeling better now.

2008-03-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Gossip.

A guilty pleasure where we've all been guiltily guilty of in some way or another.

Why do we gossip?

It's sick and wrong and immature and childish and redundant and hurtful and-

And yet we still do it.

It's human to form quick impressions on people based on pure word-of-mouth and pass judgments without thinking.
We would all be looking out for their flaws to confirm what we heard and the poor subject would then be scrutinized and tested upon without even knowing why, if innocent.

We aren't perfect, but we should be able to recognize our flaws and try our best to CORRECT them, not HIDE them.

It's not easy, but it's sure as hell worth a try.

Staying true to yourself and being open-minded is one of the few things to keep in mind when being caught in a vicious gossip circle. It may take a short while, or a long time, but if you stay true to your values and self, people would soon come to respect you for who you are.

The worst thing to do when in such situations is to bitch back.

I quote from High School Musical 2:

"You're very good at the game that I don't wanna play."
-Gabriella Montez

Just like a moshpit in a concert, if you push back in revenge of the who pushed you, the impact is only going to go around the place and come back to you, only now the force is harder.

Relax, enjoy life, loosen up.

Take a chill pill from Eminem.

"Talking that shit behind my back,
Dirty mackin' telling your boys that I'm on crack
But I just don't GIVE A F**KKKKKKkk."
-Eminem, Just don't give a f**k.
I know it's random, but I've spent the good part of this morning cracking up to Bowling For Soup and Simple Plan.

Ain't that a 'b' with an 'itch'
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e- double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the s words you put me through
So f-u.

-BFS, Friendly Goodbye.

Is it okay if I speak to you today?
You've been pissed off for a week now
But nothing I can say could make you look up
Or crack up
Is there anything I can do
Anything to show you

You're a bitch
But I love you anyway
OH OH You can't sing
But you still put me to sleep
Baby you're a bitch
HEY HEY HEY HEY
You make me sick
But don't ever go away

-BFS, The Bitch Song

There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time to
Criticize me

It seems like everyday I make mistakes
I just can't get it right
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not tooodaaaayyyyy

So SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Don't wanna hear it
GET UP GET UP GET UP
Get out of my way
STEP UP STEP UP STEP UP
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today will ever bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do
You think you're special
BUT I KNOW AND I KNOW AND I KNOW
AND WE KNOW
That you're nooootttt

You're always there to point out my mistakes
And shove them in my face
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not tooodaaaayyyy

So SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Don't wanna hear it
GET UP GET UP GET UP
Get out of my way
STEP UP STEP UP STEP UP
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today is gonna bring me down

Don't tell me who i should beeeeeee
And don't try to tell me what's right for me

Don't tell me what I should doooooo
I don't wanna waste my time
I'll watch you fade awayyyyyy.

-Simple Plan, Shut up.

I'll see you guys around, Take care, love ya'll, Thurs night was fun, sorry for being late.

2008-03-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

One word to describe today: SPASTIC.

SPASTICATED.

SPASTICATION.

Take your pick.

If there were one thing I wanted to change, it would be my costume. Kristen's skirt was nice, but apparently, I looked 'too skimpy' in my white tank top. Well, I guess that's coz I don't really wear those kind of revealing clothes outside, so my awkwardness wearing it on that day must have shown on my bare skin.

I ended up borrowing Nat's brown jacket throughout the whole performance.

Our class has GOT to be the most RANDOM and SPASTIC group there. Seriously, what class has managed to put together terrorists and newspapers and dance and OBS and belaying and ballet in a single CHEERLEADING performance??

Only 3e1 guys, only 3e1.

2008-03-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

You are truly an original person.
You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. (...uhh...)
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. (true, true)
You're a strong person.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. (I don't strive for it, I'm just a magnet for all things bad and good)

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. (Awesome.)
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. (HAH! No more digs at my common sense, please)
You understand the world better than most people. (HEYHEY!!!...cool.)
You also have a very active imagination.
You often get carried away with your thoughts. (Accurate.)
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. (Jealousy, yes. Paranoia???...)
You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. (Have to disagree completely.)

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. (Now that you mention it...ch'yea)
It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. (Heheh.)
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. (Boo ya.)
You don't stick with any one thing for very long. (It's bound to get boring right??)
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. (Maybe...you could say that.)
Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. (yesss...no. My biggest problem is finding out which way my underwear goes on every morning before school.)

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. (no comment.)
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. (oh che.)
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. (I confess.)
Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.
You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. (Listen up and listen well, ya bizzles.)

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. (living example: siaw ee.)
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. (NO I'm NOT .*rebel rebel*. hah.)
You're always up to something. (...enough said.)
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. (So don't even try!!!. pfft.)
You're very intense. (eek.)
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. (trouble's mah middle name.)
But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are a very lucky person. (nat, ur right.)
Things just always seem to go your way. (like I said, I'm a magnet.)
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. (so now u know how I manage to not know when CA week is...)
You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. (Wha...? Coz not. I give to people, dude.)
Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. (No!)

~~Natalie Wang WEiQi~~ Wang WeiQiNatalie, eat your heart out at the last part. You're the total opposite. *Wink wink*

I love this quiz!! Who was the person ~~bored enough~~ smart enough to create this???

2008-03-05T04:07:00.000-08:00

I should have probably been expecting it anyway...

But the subconscious has mysterious ways of working.

Am being horrifically cryptic here, which I try to not do, seeing that I am incoherent most of the time.

But desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Even then, I shall try to not... act on impulse. That is rule no. 1 in the Hanis book, a rule as golden as ripe corn and as important as protecting the Queen of England.

Impulsive actions tend to backfire.

I shall be patient and simply wait it out.

I am strong, I have willpower, I can survive.

~~...Even though I'm dying inside.~~

There is always hope.

2008-03-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

2008-03-03T05:47:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

The only thing I ask of you

Is to hold him when I'm not around

When I'm much too far away

We all need the person who can be true to you

I left him when I found him

And now I wish I'd stayed

'Coz I'm lonely

And I'm tired

I'm missing you again...

....

Once again.

2008-02-25T02:37:00.000-08:00

I'm still rather confused as to how our seating places in the lab became incredibly mixed up. As I remember, I was sitting next to Grace.

And now I've somehow ended up next to Raj.

Hmm.

But if anything, I don't mind much. We had the most interesting conversation during Chemistry today.

(Hanis and Raj sniff the air)

Raj: I love the smell before rain.

Hanis: Oh my god? Me too.

Raj: I feel very serene when I smell it.

Hanis: Yeah, like you feel really calm-

Raj: Really? No one I know really likes this smell.

Hanis: But it's such a nice smell. When I smell it, I think like, life is worth living-

Raj: -Beautiful-

Hanis: -Like as if-

Raj: -Like as if-

Hanis: -nothing-

Raj: -nothing can-

Hanis and Raj: Nothing can go wrong.

I swear, we both uttered the last sentence together as if we were following some cheesy melodramatic script at that time. ~~And then, of course, we both had to ruin the moment by laughing~~

But I do so love the smell before rain- don't you?

And I feel really happy for Sharon, for reasons that she knows. *clears throat*
Hope you make the right choice, Shar. Don't do stuff you'll regret later. Have fun, and most importantly, enjoy this part of our lives. ;)

These are my friends
See how they glisten
See this one shine
How he smiles in the light
My friend
My faithful friend
Speak to me friend
Whisper
I'll listen
I know, I know, you've been locked out of sight
All these years,
Like me, my friend
Well, I've come home to find you waiting
Home,
And we're together
And we'll do wonders,
Won't we?
You there, my friend?
(I'm your friend too, Mr.Todd)
Come, let me hold you
(If you only knew, Mr.Todd)
Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand
(Oh, Mr.Todd)
You're warm in my hand
My friend
(You've come home!)
My clever friend
(Always had a fondness for you, I did)
Rest now, my friends,
(Never you fear, Mr.Todd)

2008-02-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

Not a day passes when I learn something new.
(Don't give me that look. :p)

And I have learned that Grace ~~Facility~~ Felicity is a fan of A7X too.

A7X, my folks, for those who have been hibernating under a bubble of any-other-channel-other-than-mtv, is an abbreviation for Avenged Sevenfold.

I exerienced a rather warm-ish feeling when I found that out, not unlike the feeling when you finally learn how to do the difficult math question in your exam.

Speaking of which, there is THE CA week on Monday.

...

Enough said.

Sigh. My brain seems to be rather dysfuntional today. ~~Must be the red bull I drank earlier~~ Must be the over-studying I've done. ~~Knock yourself out if you actually believed that line~~

But what's done can't be undone.
My brain shall and always will be dysfunctional.

...

...

Even the little part in my brain that stores what little vocab I know seems to be rather empty today.

...

...

The stocks in my oh-so-small-store is going down as I write.

...

...

"Two words left, Hanis."My brain warns me grimly.

"Okay."

"One word."

"H-?!"

"I repeat, one word."

Bye.

2008-02-11T04:23:00.001-08:00

Current song I'm listening to: Natasha Bedingfield-I Wanna Have Your Babies.

OOhh, such a very scandalous yet cutesypie song, but if there's one thing I'd learned from this song, is that 'I Wanna Have Your Babies' is not, I repeat, not a good pick-up line when you chat up a guy you're crushing badly on.

On the topic of babies, I just have to post these pictures up. They were taken from quite a while ago, and it features our very own Drama Club Babies.

Me and Sharon. :) I lurrvvee this picture.

Current Song: Natasha bedingfield-Soulmate

This track is so beautiful-how does anyone write stuff like that? and speaking of beautiful, these are some of the pics my very inexperienced hand took at a CNY party at Mr Mah Bow Tan's house:

Mr Mah Bow Tan's kids, minus one brother (found on the bottom of the entry). All grown up and lookin good doin it. The lady on the extreme left is Kimberly, the OH-MY-GOD-I-LOVE-HER-SHIRT lady is Nicole, and..... ~~what's the name?? damn damn damn I forgot~~ Mr Mah Bow Tan's son. Could be my fav pic.

His house, where the CNY luncheon was held. It's effing HUGE, with it's own basketball court, swimming pool and gym.

Mr Mah Bow Tan's wife. She's a really nice host and she's aging gracefully too.

Mr. Mah Bow Tan.

~~confession : this is pretty much my favorite picture.~~

Upcoming: CHEERLEADING AND SPORTS HEATS, where I, Hanis Khairunnisa, shall be running 100m ~~and trip and fall right after the whistle has blown and embarass myslef and drown in the laughter of the fellow Tkgians who I had, once upon a better time, labelled them as 'friends'~~

Bye then, and have a great valentine's week ahead. -Muackz- ;)

2008-02-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

I have come to a brilliant conclusion that I'm similar to a bag of chips.

And not just ANY chips though.

A bag of ORIGINAL chips.

Because I can be

Sweet and Sour

~~more of the sweet. (:~~

Hot and Spicy

~~(Which I am)~~

Extra Cheesy

Or just plain Cheesy

Served with mayonnaise

Tomato Ketchup

Ketchup

Or just some more cheese.

But the best will always be.....

TADA!!

The ORIGINAL flavoured bag of chips.

HANIS=ORIGINAL!!!!

Available at all convenience stores.

Get yours now.

~~My thoughts are weird.~~ .

2008-02-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

27 dresses.

A story as sweet as it is boring.

Honestly speaking, I only bothered going through the rest of the movie because of the ultimate funny-ness Amelia and Robyn were producing on either side of me. ~~And there's always, of course, James Marsden to drool over.~~

The storyline was a tad too predictable, although one might argue that that was the same sad case with previous movie Enchanted, said previous movie had an element of magic to balance it out nicely. Unfortunately, 27 dresses was centered more on the leading actors and actresses (AskMen.com's Most Desirable Woman of 2007 Katherine Heigl and ~~Adorable sexy hot delicious tanned blue-eyed~~ eye-candy James Marsden.) and although the movie was diabetically-sweet, I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't exactly what the general audience wants.

But the outing with the TKGians was pretty cool. Because we are, after all TKGIANS, and are therefore needed to hold up all moral etiquttes and values when we go out.

RULES.

1. All TKGIANS are expected to make as much noise as possible in all venues, especially shopping malls.

2. All TKGIANS must not act like a lady, and must leave people around us with impressions that we are seriously confused as to what our gender is.

3. All TKGIANS have to hog stores and restaurants and intimidate all the poor younger generation who have yet to learn how to even suck a lollipop.

There's the gist of the outing. Let's just say that we abided by all the rules. We are such good, upholding citizens of the nation. :)

I had to leave early however, for I had something coming up later that day. I stopped by a CD shop to buy The Grudge, even though I'd seen it a few times, and was trying to tell my mind not to go on one of my crazy-impulsive shopping seizure again (I very nearly bought Bratz, The Haunting, Titanic, Hairspray and Saw) when I saw Amelia and Yim Qi (yet again). I suppose they were on their way home. But thank god for their appearance. I think I would have caved in to my movie cravings if it weren't for them.

James Marsden. Hmm. I have only ever seen him in Hairspray and X-Men as Cyclops.

yesterday was my first day in LDS, too. It was somewhat entertaining, for we had debated upon the motion : Ban video games which depict violence. I was on the opposition team, meaning that I disagree. Which I do, strongly.

Why SHOULDN'T we ban violent video games? There are certainly lots of aspects to look at, but I seem unable to phrase them properly. So I called up my dear friend Aisyah Isabelle, who incidentally was the Debate President of her debate team in school, Katong Convent. She helped loads, and our conversation was a rather interesting one.

Me: Kay, one of the strongest points in the preposition team is that 'Prevention is better than Cure'. Therefore they're asking us to actually ban the whole thing altogether rather than risk people be inspired by these displays of graphic violence in video games. What do you think?

Aisyah: Yeah, but that case could also be applied to drugs, sex, smoking, alcohol, porn, and mature movies. But do we ban them? No. Alcohol is a cool beverage, but it only becomes dangerous to those who don't know how to use it properly.

Me: Cool, true. And someone said something about the students unable to concentrate on studies because of these video games...

Aisyah: Then they don't know how to differentiate between game addicts and those who are REALLY affected by these games. There is a major difference, but with the same concept of understanding underneath-Both can be prevented, and this is where external surroundings matter a lot-Parents, teachers, blah blah blah...

Me: Kay. Anything else?

Aisyah: You can't BAN violent video games. You have to research on what they mean by violent- coz games like Need For Speed, you've got cars crashing into each other- that's also a form of violence. Do you ban these sort of things, then? And if you do, what are we going to be left with? Barbie dressup? Spongebob? Flowers and Bunnies are really fun?

Me: Haha yeah they did mention something about that....

Aisyah: You can tell them that's why there are such things as censorship and ratings. Cool?

Me: -snickers- My friends were like, "Violent video games are too stressful! When you come back from school you shouldn't play these kind of stuff! You should instead play Solitaire!"

Aisyah: Yeah you can tell them to go fuck themselves.

Me: And- whhatt?? haha.

Like I said, very interesting conversation.

But time has surpassed me again, and I still need to bathe. Tsk tsk. So thanks to everyone for making Tuesday an awesome day, and I hope ya'll had one too. Toodles! ~~Do you think toodles is too gay? I think it is. I should probably change it to goodbye...nah. too prissy. toodles it is then.~~

2008-02-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day around the corner and I am once again, single.

As I have always been, girls.

I have had friends around me getting attached left right and center, whether it be with members of the same sex or otherwise. And although this has never bothered me before, something inside me is ticking away like a bomb waiting to explode.

Something very equivalent to a biological clock. Gah.

I seriously need to get involved in some healthy activities so as to not get involved or hoodwinked into any kind of serious relationships. ~~Not that I'd mind. haha~~

Literary and Debating Society. Drama Elective. Drama Club. A math remedial.

Aw, crap.

REMEDIAL.

So instead of being babied with gifts and whatnot from dear lovers, I shall be getting homework and scoldings from dear teachers.

What a valentine's day to look forward too.

Sigh.

But oh well. Let us look at the bright side.

I don't have to buy chocs for said dear lover, i can keep it for myself.
I don't have to spend time writing mushy love letters to said dear lover...I can keep it for myself.
ANd most of all, I don't have to... uhh....

Shoot. Hanis, is this the best you can come up with? tsk tsk.

Look like I'd have no valentine this year.

But being single could be pretty awesome too. CHOCOLATES.

MMM.

Diao

2008-01-31T02:50:00.000-08:00

The word diao has once again crept into my vocabulary, thanks to a certain woman named Grace.

My first affliation with that word was due to AISYAH, who apparently ALSO got it from Grace.

I started saying 'Diao' as a fill-in word during Sec 1, and after Aisyah ceased using that word, I did too.

'Diao' is used as a fill-in-the-blank word, I suppose. It's the equivalent of:

whatthehellwhateverwhatthef**khuhthatwassonu-uhwhatwhatwhaaatttt???

And to spare us all from this very long sentence, we have therefore resorted to saying 'Diao'.

One word of caution: It is very addictive.

Don't you ever.. ever... start... using it.
Just use it once in a while. The word kinda has an owner anyway.

Diao.

I mean,
whatthehellwhateverwhatthef**khuhthatwassonu-uhwhatwhatwhaaatttt???

On the day when the the night falls and...

2008-01-30T04:27:00.001-08:00

The very first post to celebrate the beginnings of yet another blog made by the person who's currently sitting behind the computer screen.

My full OBS report is still in pre-production (yes, it is that long) and I have yet to finish up the first day. Tsk tsk, Hanis.

It is 8.30 and piles of undone homework are staring me in the eye from my study table.And it is times like these where my subconscious battles the inner fight of angel and demon within me, where I am very much concerned as to how this particular fight would turn out. Hmm.

Staying true to ourselves. I came across this quote on the net and it got me thinking. How many of us really do stay honest and true to ourselves in any situation? Or do we sometimes slip up and break a rule or two just to get where we want to be? I would guess the latter. But after all, we are only humans and if we don't realize that we're acting up, then I would bet my life savings that we would not know who we really are.

And that's how I came to a conclusion that mistakes and failures are essential to every living being. Without the wrongs, we would never know what's right.

Though that's where another argument could enter in.

Take a first-time shoplifter, for example. She knows it's wrong and yet she does it. And let's say she gets caught, and vows to never have another brush with the law again. We would say she has learned from her mistakes. But in the beginning, why does she do it even if she knows that her actions are of something unacceptable?

Apart from all the physical reasons, peer pressure and the likes, this particular shoplifter of ours has created the mistake of making a mistake.

And that's where I've come to another conclusion.

If we reach a forkroad and we know what lies beyond what we can see, the obvious solution would be to take the right path.
But if we reach a forkroad with no signs or any kind of knowledge to help us through, we are therefore allowed to create an honest mistake.

And this is where it comes back to staying true to ourselves. Would we stray from the right path due to personal interest and make the mistake of making a mistake, or remember who we are and take the risk of simply making a mistake?

I'm a little confused by the way my train of thoughts has taken me.

"My thoughts are sporadic," Eminem- Till I collapse.
How very agreeable at this point of time.

And my pile of homework is still staring at me in the eye, slowly unrooting feelings of guilt from deep within.

8.52 pm.

I guess the devil has won this time round.

Boooo.